Carllrac Presents

“Sure you are”: Creative ways to call in sick for work

Plan around supervisor vacations-

There is nothing more uncomfortable than telling your boss, you can’t come in due to illness. Usually there is some guilt or feeling of disappointment. Especially if you are not really sick. Ensure you plan your sick days around supervisors vacations, so you don’t have to speak to them, only to their sub ordinate or peer, who is less likely to care.

Fake developing an illness or minor injury, prior to the day-

It’s all about a back story, and setting a foundation for your absentee day. If you are able to trick your boss into acknowledging, you don’t look or sound well. This is the green light, because now they have instigated the thought that maybe you need to get over what you have.

Draw attention to, and make a fuss about co-workers who have been ill recently, or have shown signs of transmittable germs.

This is all about the blame game. You aren’t the bad guy here for being sick and abandoning those who rely on you. The other guy was the one who brought it into the workplace. You are actually a victim of that coworkers thoughtlessness. It is now up to you to take time off work. Collect sick pay, and stop this cycle of infection.

When you wake up with the intention to call. Do not clear your throat, to ensure maximum voice distortion-

Sometimes to put on a good performance, you need a little help. Faking a drawl, or doing your best “Eeyore” voice from Winnie The Pooh, may not cut it for employers who often get their personnel calling in. It just sounds fake. You need the rawness of throat obstruction, and actual airflow restriction to sound believable. Use your fatigue and morning voice distortion to enhance the believability of the call.

Location of the call is important. Make the call from a washroom.

The familiar bathroom echo will allow an extra dimension to your call. It allows the employer to use his imagination as to why you may be calling from the bathroom. The bathroom call subliminally triggers the mind to think. Toilet. Diarrhea. Vomit. It also helps to cancel out exterior noise. You do not want your boss to hear anything other than your pain and discomfort. As an added effect as you are hanging up the phone at the end of the call, give your employer a half second of flushing the toilet to reinforce his belief in the severity of your illness.

Call in sick two days before your intended “actual” sick day. Come in to work half way through to tough it out and “not disappoint the team.” Follow up two days later with the real sick call-

You position yourself as a team player here, and a real soldier for the corporate cause. Your initial call you need to state, you feel something coming on. You’ll get a bit more rest and try to make it in. Your employer will most likely have you take your time, but dig down deep and go in. They may send you home. If they do, you get some extra time off. Now you can use the next day to build upon your initial call. “Struggle” through the next day at the office, then finally put this sickness to rest once and for all, on your target sick day.

Fit and Active with Carllrac

As Cliche As It Sounds... Your Health Is the Most Important Thing

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's have a real talk about this whole staying healthy, fit, and active thing. You know, it's like trying to find the meaning of life while juggling flaming torches. It's a bit crazy, a tad risky, and you might end up singed in places you never thought possible. There is an obvious mind + body + soul connection, yet we're too lazy to get off the couch and set it up. A couple reasons, firstly, my knees hurt, and secondly, our bodies don't come wih a user manual... I have to scan a QR code and register with my e-mail to set it up or something.

I mean, have you seen those gym rats? They're like exercise junkies living in a parallel universe where burpees are a form of meditation and kale is the new currency. Don't even get me started on that crypto kale, I don't even know where to begin with that. Meanwhile, I'm over here contemplating if lifting my beer mug counts as an arm workout. It's usually filled with a stout beer, so it's heavier and I should be able to bulk up.

Staying fit is like trying to fold a fitted sheet. It sounds simple, but you end up questioning your life choices and accidentally inventing new curse words. And don't even get me started on the idea of "leg day." The last time I had a leg day, I was chasing my remote control under the couch. I had to crouch in a semi squat, tripod type thing. I couln't reach it, so I spent two days training my Jack Russel Terrier to fetch a ketchup bottle from under a stool in hopes of sending him on the mission to get my "clicker" back. Does that count?

But let's talk rewards, people. It takes commitment and discipline. Imagine having more energy than a kid on a sugar high, without actually needing the sugar. Suddenly, you're sprinting up stairs like a gazelle on Red Bull, and your friends are just trying to keep up while clutching their oxygen tanks. There's nothing wrong with working hard and making your friends somewhat envious of your fitness level.

And speaking of friends, let's not forget the ultimate satisfaction of seeing your reflection and thinking, "Hey, I'd date that!" It's like a makeover show where you're the contestant and the grand prize is a physique that could make a Greek statue blush.

So, my fellow adventurers in the land of health and hilarity, dive into that pantry and mix up that green smoothie you were scammed into buying from your favourite vlogger two years ago, and raise a glass to staying healthy, fit, and active. Sure, it's a struggle that could rival a Shakespearean tragedy, but trust me, the comedy that comes with it is worth it. Keep on hustling, keep on laughing, and remember, life is a wild ride, so you might as well have a killer body to make your friends jelous, while you're at it.

Time Off Tactics

Weighing the Benefits and Drawbacks of Single-Day vs. Week-long Vacations

You know what really grinds my gears? The eternal dilemma of taking time off from work! I mean, seriously, should I snatch a single vacation day or go all in for a full week of freedom? Let's delve into this dilemma.

So, picture this...You're contemplating taking a sing day off. Pros? You can silence that annoying alarm clock ofr justa brief escape from daily chaos. It's like a micro vacation for your sanity. But here's the rub - it's a tease! You're just getting into the relaxation groove when it's back to the grind the next day. You've basically swiped right on relaxation, only to ghost it.

Now, let's talk about the full week vacation. It's like winning the jackpot, right? You have the freedom to jet off to exotic destinations, explore, and truly unwind. Your worries are left behind like yesterday's leftovers. But, oh boy, when you return, it's like stepping into a whirlwind of emails, voicemails, and piles of work that have multiplied like rabbits.

Timing, my friends, is the key to this vacation conundrum. When it comes to single days off, seize them when you feel the pressure cooker about to blow. It's your escape hatch from the office straightjacket. As for full weeks, plan them wisely. Maybe during the office's off peak season, or when there's a holiday to soften the blow upon your return.

Now, here's the uplifting part, and yes, we can all find a silver lining in life's quirks. We're all trapped in this endless cycle of work, pressure, and more work. But deep down, we know that life isn't just about deadlines and spreadsheets. It's about savoring the sweet moments, embracing adventure, and relishing in the joy of new experiences.

Taking breaks isn't a luxury, it's a necessity! It's your reminder that life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. So, whether you're stealing a single day to recharge your batteries or going all out with a full week of escapades, make the most of it. Embrace the absurdity of life, find humor in the chaos, and take those breaks guilt free. Because in teh end, the most treasured memories won't be found in your inbox. They'll be etched in your heart. Now, go and seize those vacation days like they're like the last days you'll ever have to live.