I believe the golden age of the hairy man is over. I was a generation too late. I have hair on my chest, back, shoulders, arms, legs, butt & an unusually thick mane around my nether regions where I seem to lose coins.
In 1974, I would have been seen as genetically superior to other men, because of my body hair. All the “studly” men in 70’s television shows had a hairy chest. Guys like Tom Selleck, Burt Reynold, David Janssen. Not to mention any number of actors portraying hairy bikers in film and television. The grainy, low definition film of this era made it look like these men were wearing a small domesticated animal on their chest, when their shirt was unbuttoned.
Now it’s hard for a man to find a woman who likes hairy men. I always thought the best place to meet those types of women is the shag display at the carpet store. I believe, you can tell a lot about a woman’s tastes from the pile of her carpet.
Things changed in the late 1990’s. I knew I was missing the boat when as a consumer, I could not only whiten my linens with bleach, but body hair bleach my stomach too. A 1990’s infomercial for body hair removal gel called Nads, became popular along with the increasing affordability of laser body hair removal. Gone were the days of traditional body hair trimmers that left your shoulders bleeding, or having the friction from back stubble rubbing against cotton shirts, causing a fire hazard. That was a game changer for the hairy man, and not in a good way. We had a decision to make. Stay furry, or smoothen out? And we were seeing less grizzly chested males at the beach without a shirt. We had become relegated to wearing cut sleeved neon tops and Bermuda shorts.
Just recently on facebook, I posted pictures of me shirtless on the beach, and some cryptozoologists in california got a hold of them and used it to successfully prove the authenticity of the 1967, Smithson-Gimlin footage of bigfoot.
My girlfriend once convinced me to use a laser hair removal called, “No No Hair”, on my body. Now I have no no hair on my scrotum. “Shave your ballsack…women love it smooth.” She said. It made me bashful in the locker room at beer league and feeling less of a man, but surprisingly fresh and comfortable.
When I was hitting puberty, my uncle made me eat spinach. He told me it would grow hair on my chest and make me a man. That was during the golden age of the hairy man. Now there's no benefit for young men to eat leafy greens in their youth, other than stave off the odd health issue, but is it really a fair trade? Full body male body hair has become a curse.
I was so hairy that a guy in my highschool gym class tried insulting me by saying “Hey, is that your face, or did your butt grow a goatee?” I pulled down my pants, turned around and explained that indeed, my buttocks are hairy.
Granted, being hairy isn’t all glamor. There are some physical disadvantages to it that should have no bearing on the awesomeness of its aesthetics. For example, My body hair causes problems when I get out of swimming pools. There's a significant loss of water volume due to absorption. In fact the city doesn’t want me to take showers during droughts.
Also, Hairy men cannot prepare food because if there is ever any hair in the meal, we will be blamed. All because we are hairy.
I have some gray hairs on my back. If I were a Looney Tunes cartoon character, Pepe Lepew would be running after me, trying to grope me.
The modern day hairy man is but a 5 o’clock shadow of his former self. Manscaped below, with a conditioned beard. He has become a silky skinned, keratin smoothened blank canvas ready for a mysticism tattoo. But all us old hairy men must understand. When his woman is on her phone looking for a Christmas gift, reading user reviews of the best body hair trimmers. The modern day brother will close his eyes, remember his follicles past and yearn for…
The Golden Age of the Hairy Man.
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***The contents of this website is satirical, meant to be entertainment and should not be taken as serious advise.***
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