Most people don’t have a safe room or panic room like you’d see in the home of a millionaire. A room to hide in case of emergency that is outfitted with generators, video monitoring systems and survival equipment. But, the average person may tell you that their home bathrooms are like a safe room to them.
It’s where we go when we are at our most vulnerable. We use it as a shelter by curling up in the tub or shower. It’s a place of refuge, when we experience emotional pain and need to be alone. A washroom in the home is where many people keep their medicine and first aid. It’s also the place we run to when we have to ride out some illnesses for relief. We keep many other supplies in these rooms too, like safety equipment, batteries, flashlights and tools in a junk drawer or cabinet.
All in all, the bathroom in a person's home is a place of security, comfort, privacy and relief, because It’s where we can be at the most unguarded, sensitive and exposed. However, we rarely consider what we’d do if we were ever on the toilet when someone breaks into our home. It’s bad enough that the house itself is being trespassed upon, but to be in such a susceptible position in your bathroom at the same time would only add to the distress.
Carllrac presents: How to handle a home invasion, while on the toilet.
Find a weapon
Most reasonable advice would recommend you to not arm yourself during a robbery, because bringing in another weapon could escalate the situation and increase the chances of someone being hurt during the encounter.
When there is a break in and your kingdom has been invaded while you are on your throne, it’s unclear how the situation will unfold for you in such a vulnerable position. You will be at risk and will need to consider preparing yourself for a physical altercation while on the toilet. The weapons you will have at hand in the washroom aren’t traditional accouterments, so the assailant won’t perceive it as danger. Look at objects such as, pointy edged comb handles, plungers, and razor blades to arm and fortify yourself with. Keep an aerosol can of deodorizer to use as a form of mace to spay in the criminals eyes and choke them with the chemical.
Cell phone
Leaving your phone outside of the washroom from a health standpoint is considered by health experts as a good idea, as it prevents the spread and infection from germs such as salmonella, E. coli, and C. Difficile. However, for preparation and connectivity in the event of a home invasion, having a smartphone with you on the toilet is a necessity.
The reality is most people do their business in the bathroom with their phones, and in the case of a home invasion, the closer the phone the better. It will allow you to call 911, a loved one, Or live stream the incident in real time on a social media platform of your choice. Facebook is ideal, because there are more friends and family that will actually worry about you, and not think the attack on you with your pants down is a staged altercation for the purpose of clicks and views.
Build rapport
Treat the robber like an old friend. Robbers typically never hurt anyone that cooperates with them, but you can subtly take control of the situation by finding some commonality or gaining empathy from them. Start to build rapport by talking about them, maybe even compliment an article of clothing they may be wearing, such as their balaclava. Gain their trust, and get them to open up to you.
You can then move on to telling them about your gastrointestinal problems, or about the weird growth you noticed on your left thigh, just to the side of the knee. Distract them by looking at it, and bait them into offering you a suggestion on how to remedy the problem. This will allow them to connect to you on a personal level, and empathize with you. Remember if you get them thinking they're invested in your health, the less likely you are to be involved in a violent incident on the toilet.
Confuse them
Tell them it’s not your house. Convince the assailant that you broke in a few minutes earlier, explaining to them how you got nervous and had to relieve your angst by using the toilet. This will surprise them and affect their ability to think clearly. In that disoriented mental state, they will most likely leave, out of respect for the fact that you were “there first '' and the house was rightfully your break and enter. It’s part of the burglar code and appeals to their understanding that people get nervous during a home invasion and when a robbers gotta go, a robbers gotta go.
Don’t let your legs fall asleep
It takes the average person about 12 seconds to complete a bowel movement, however, thanks to smartphones for catching up on emails, the news and social media, we can spend on average 10-15 minutes actually sitting on the toilet. It’s not uncommon for people to spend even more time than that.
Ensure you are ready to be mobile at all times. Don’t let your legs fall asleep, because during a home invasion, you won’t be able to make an escape, and will likely crumple to the floor due to the lack of circulation in your legs. You will also tingle from the pain of blood flowing back into your legs and reanimating your lower limbs. If you are going for the marathon toilet sit, try to do a few exercises to keep blood flowing through the lower extremities. Exercises like, wrapping each leg around the back of your head in the fashion of an instagram yoga practitioner. Curl the bath mat up with your toes, or simply shake out your leg every 30 seconds, or after each tick tok video you watch.
Back to: Carllrac Presents
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***The contents of this website is satirical, meant to be entertainment and should not be taken as serious advise.***
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