Hobbies For Men: And The Unlikely Consequences Associated With Them

Running: Increased speed and proficiency that will lead to a tear in the universe resulting in the annihilation of time and space as we understand it.

Gardening: Digging up an artifact that houses and unlocks the essence of ancient evil that you will accidentally unleash upon the world.

Beekeeping: Getting stung by a mutated bee resulting in your ability to mysteriously sweat honey from your pores.

Bird watching: A kamikaze Robin trained by a deadly terrorist organization with explosives strapped to its tiny body, takes a run at a suspended observation platform you are using to observe wildlife.

DIY home improvement: You learn how to make small home improvements adding up to massive financial savings, leaving you with a significant amount of disposable income. With all your renovations completed and nothing left to do with your time you use that extra money to seek out mind numbing illicit pleasures to pass your time. After a few months of exposure to the seedy underbelly of society, your desire for greater stimulation moves beyond the cocaine and prostitution you indulged in at first, but leads to an involvement as a low level member with a global crime syndicate. After a few years in Europe destroying the moral fabric of society, you find yourself back home to see the pine deck you refinished years earlier has come to disrepair. At this point you realize you need out of this syndicate to redo your neglected backyard, however when you try to get away to go back to your life of home ownership and Do it yourself improvements, the syndicate finds you and hunts you down…at the local Hardware store.

Produce electronic music: You synthesize the most sweeping track of electronic dance music, however unfortunately it is a frequency that causes a hypnotic euphoria which a cult leader uses to brainwash his followers, resulting in a dangerous and deadly altercation with federal authorities. The whole time your hit EDM song plays in the background of the tactical operation and subsequent carnage.

Writing: You write a masterpiece of a nonfiction story. You get critical acclaim, however after you are handed a subpoena from a litigious party, you begin to realize the inspiringly courageous novel you wrote about a couple of junior high students and their summer of adventure, was a subconscious documentation of your own summer vacation at the age of 13. You forgot an event that happened, whereby you and other friends accidentally lost a foreign student named Yann, in the woods. The whole rest of the summer and fall was a “where’s Yann campaign.” That fortunately ended well for the missing youth.

The clues in your novel implicated you and your friends, leaving you in a massive amount of legal trouble from an incident that you buried away in your subconscious for over 25 years.

Flying: Take up flying to impress people by flying to the Caribbean on the weekends. The first trip After you finally finish off paying the loan for your new private jet, and the burden of that financial debt is off your shoulders, you get lost in a hidden island in the Bermuda triangle, with no way off or ability to call for help, because your jet is in pieces on a beach not of sand, but of jagged shale.

Starting a blog: Your blog post about the health concerns of sponge cake becomes the catalyst for a fringe group of people that band together to disrupt and take down your democratic system of government, leading to endless tribal warfare and social misery.

Boxing: Your boxing hobby turns into a passion that grows out of control. Starting off with recreational sparring at a gym on the weekend against middle aged men who can barely get out of their sofa on a good day. The victory’s against them builds your confidence to unrealistic expectations of you believing you can become a professional fighter. At this point you visit some underground fight clubs and getting involved with a prostitute that turns out to be the sister of one of the promoters of this blood sport. She manipulates you into fighting at this event, where your opponent is paid off to throw the fight against you, making you the focal point of an underground hustle that you cannot get out of. As a result, you are now owned by the underground criminal elements involved in this fighting organization. Stuck in a cycle of violence in the criminal underground.

Fantasy sports: You fly down to Arizona to attend fantasy baseball camp with one of your favourite major league pitchers of all time. After 4 days of drills and rubbing shoulders with the legends of your favourite game, you get to play in a formal game against your childhood heroes. Your favourite pitcher takes the mound as you head on to the plate, finally a childhood dream is come to fruition for only a $10000 price tag. He nods at you as you wind up for the swing of the bat, and he releases the ball. You instinctively use all the skills you learned that weekend and connect the bay to the ball, hitting a line drive. A line drive which goes straight back on to the mound, hitting your favourite baseball player of all time in the head, cracking his skull and killing him from the injury.

Volunteering: You volunteer for a charity that you grow to love, convincing all your friends and family to do are money to this cause. They are so taken by your love for this new endeavour you are participating in that they donate thousands upon thousands of dollars, only expecting to help people out, in exchange for the tax receipts to claim. However the charity you thought you had joined, isn’t formally registered as a charitable organization, and your friends and family loses out on hundreds of dollars in tax incentives.

Swimming: You shed excessive body hair into a public use pool filtration system, clogging it up. This results in major damages, as well as costly repairs. Coincidentally, the venue you ruined with your tensile strengthened back hair was also the major selling point and crown jewel in your city’s hope for a summer Olympic bid. This event was hoped to turn around the fortune’s of your struggling community. However due to the delay in repairs, those hopes are dashed. Now you must live with the guilt and regret that you didn’t wax your torso before entering that pool.

Pottery: You take up pottery and realize that your skills have become proficient enough to counterfeit ancient archeological pieces, planning a scheme to switch your home made replicas with the original pieces located in museums all across the globe. You are eventually put on the Interpol wanted list for trafficking in cultural property.

Start a YouTube channel: Your YouTube channel that disseminates false information about sponge cakes, becomes a hit with over 750k subscribers and 1.3 million views per video. It is so successful that you begin to earn a large income off the monetization of your channel. The pressure of continued viewership to maintain advertising revenue forces your claims about sponge cake to become more outrageous and polarizing. This inspires others to begin their own channels as well, flooding the public consciousness with erroneous information about sponge cake, to the point where people aren’t sure if sponge cakes are a delicious dessert that is light on fat or a tool developed by the egg farmers of America to make us use more eggs in our desserts than we normally would. These views begin to influence the decision making of our government and lawmakers, and chickens become a threat to national security.

Wine making: Your personal wine label is created by stomping on grapes with your bare feet, however 1000’s of people become sick from it because of a foot fungus you had.

Woodworking: You spend thousands of dollars on woodworking equipment you don’t use, because you quickly realized you are more of a 3D printing man instead.

Martial arts: Your martial arts master, whom you hold in great reverence tells you about his secret compulsion to chew on styrofoam. You lose your respect for him.

Rock climbing: You use your body to find out Newton's laws of gravity are still relevant in our age of increased scientific denial.

Chess: In a fit of rage, you bang on the chess board with closed fists. As you berate an 8 year old chess prodigy opponent of yours, a chess piece flies into your mouth, causing you to choke until you black out.

Brew your own beer: On the first date, your female companion takes it personally, when you talk about avoiding bad yeast.

Working out: You go to a gym with an ice cream shop next to it. You spend most of your workout time mixing and matching toppings on your cone.

Cooking: You start attending a cooking class, and buy yourself a “kiss the cook” apron. After some snickering and weird looks from your classmates, you catch to the fact that the word “cook” only had one O.

Pool and snooker: You develop because you like wearing ball caps and those pompous pool and snooker players are partial to fedora’s.

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Hobbies For Men: And The Unlikely Consequences Associated With Them

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