Thanks everyone for attending. It seems like most of the guest list was able to make it this evening. I need to remind everyone that as part of Uncle Charlie’s day parole conditions, he cannot have physical contact with people, so do not shake his hand, and if he approaches you aggressively, be sure to use the pepper spray provided on each table, then notify the state corrections officers located at the entrance.
We were all surprised to see that it was not a free bar, but I would like to thank Aunt Franny for hooking us up with some of her laundry tub moonshine. I’ve had a couple of glasses and the bridesmaids are starting to look prettier now.
Also, for the next half hour or so, I’ll have to ask that we go easy on the food and drinks. I just received word from staff that the men's room toilet is backing up, and if you need a plunger, you can get it from the sink in the kitchen.
For those of you who do not know me, my name is John, I am the groom's best man and closest friend. I first met the Groom, Steve by chance while being detained in a grocery store for separate occurrences of sampling of bulk candy’s. After spending 45 minutes in the security office together, we hit it off immediately. Ironically we both had a sweet tooth for chocolate macaroons.
Our friendship got stronger and we wound up starting a company that produced edible hair nets for restaurants to mitigate liability at fast food restaurants, eventually selling that company for a large sum of money. With our fortunes in the bank, we went our separate ways to pursue other challenges. I started a tour company in Costa Rica, and Steve went on to become a professional slap fighter. Even through the years and miles away we managed to stay close. Steve is more than just a friend. To me he is like a brother.
Please raise your glasses in honor of the bride and groom. I'll keep this toast short. About half as long as I expect this marriage to last.
When Steven described the bride to me, it was with an excitement that was unusual for his, even keeled demeanor. It was an excitement I hadn’t heard from him since the time he found out the head of a mob family he owed money to, perished in a Turkish bath explosion. If anyone could move my friend as much as that incident, to me she seemed the perfect match. Aside from the obvious ophthalmological issue and lack of judgment, of course.
When I heard my best friend was shacking up with this woman, my initial reaction was, “Shawna? The one with the webcam who does cosplay in latex for donations?”
But, he explained to me that he didn’t fall in love with just any buxom, young sexpot who looked good dressed up as a sexy version of a Saturday morning cartoon character. It was a connection they had. A connection they first noticed every time she responded to one of his chat room comments. That connection was so strong, he felt he needed to be with her, until he finished paying for her college and hopefully forever after that. Well…at least until he’s also paid off the Maserati he bought her to show off around campus.
What I learned from Steve through all the years working and building a business together was of his kindness as an employer to his staff, and the dedication he put in to make something impossible work. From what I can see of this escalating sugar daddy relationship, I have no doubt that he will work to make you the happiest woman alive.
So here’s to you Steve and Shawna. From all your friends in this banquet hall, and the thousands of strange lonely men watching the live stream of your wedding online. We wish you happiness, excitement, and continuing love.
Cheers!!!
+ A update to readers of this article…The best man, John, was caught hiding in the closet of the bride and groom’s hotel the night this speech was given. He was arrested for voyeurism, sentenced to 2 years less a day jail and given a $5000 fine.
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